I know alcoholism is not funny, but the absurd visual conjured by this passage stuck with me given that i was a WWF wrestling fan as a kid. From Wikipedia’s entry about wrestler Jake “The Snake” Roberts:

Also in 1999, at an independent PPV show entitled Heroes of Wrestling, Roberts cut a rambling, incoherent promo^[6] in which he heavily slurred his words. Minutes later, he staggered toward the ring, apparently drunk, for an awkward match with Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart. Before the match, Roberts pulled his snake out of the bag, put it between his legs, and simulated masturbation. Because it was obvious that Roberts was unable to participate in a singles match, the match was changed to a tag team match involving Yokozuna and King Kong Bundy. The pay-per-view ended abruptly, cutting to black with the commentators in mid-sentence just as Roberts was motioning that he was about to remove his pants.